bite me

23 Nov

so, i firmly know that i am glad i am not a parent. of a teenager. or any child for that matter. how do you parents do it? i just watched my 14-year-old niece from tuesday through saturday and it was great. we had a good time. we chatted, we watched tween tv, we crafted, we ate junk food. and we waited more than an hour in line to see twilight. all good times. but– i was more than a little relieved to relinquish parental responsibilities when she went to spend the last night with a friend. it’s a lot of pressure, this parenting gig, no? this thanksgiving, i’m thankful i’m just an aunt. i’ll do the occassional walk-on role as a caregiver for nieces, nephews, and friends’ kids, but none of my own for me right now, thanks.

back to twilight. where to begin? i knew the movie wasn’t going to be good the minute i saw the first print advertisement with the full cast.

cullensb-6

the hair on these vamps! they are simply not the cullens of my mind. and yes, i am a fan of the books. they rocked and i’m not ashamed to admit it. but seriously. seriously? jasper looks like he’s wearing a really, really bad wig. and carlisle? when he came on the screen for the first time, there were laughs in the theater. not a this-is-a-funny-scene laugh. more like an are-you-freaking-kidding-me-with-this-horrible-portrayal-of-beloved-literary-characters laugh. so bad. and the acting! don’t get me started. it was just all sorts of bad.

of course, the theater was packed with all manner of girls. the pre-adolescents with bright eyes who were enjoying getting to stay up past their bedtime. the teenage girls proudly wearing their homemade “team cullen” or “team black” t-shirts, excitedly daring each other to loudly profess their undying love for edward or, god forbid, jacob. the older fans of the book who were there to draw intelligent comparisons between the written word and the film portrayal (the only sensible group, if you ask me). and the weary parents who had to schlep the first two groups of squealers to the movie.

there was the inevitable clapping when the movie started and ended, the breathy gasps when edward appeared, the excited squeals when bella and edward finally kissed (after an agonizingly long and awkward lean-in on both their parts). and there were the laughs of the kind described above. i’d willingly put up with these kinds of reactions for harry potter, no question. i might even join in a bit. but it was too much for me this time. my friend was literally shaking with laughter for most of the movie. my niece was most annoyed, as well. i’m not sure if she was influenced by my friend’s and my reactions, but she’s a smart girl. she recognizes crap when she sees it.

but i guess the box office and millions of people around the country think otherwise. i’m glad i didn’t waste time making the vampire bite cookies i was planning on preparing for the big night.

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